How Big Failure Improved my Creativity
2020 threw me lots of new bones. The instalive of This Feeling is You for @playgroundmag was complicated. The timing = peak covid, with less than a week to prepare, but I wanted to.
I wanted to create a magic garden; we chose to do it in my bedroom because of the arch, none of which was seen on camera. I rehearsed but still couldn’t get it, so you couldn’t tell I was reading from an autocue (FYI, it can’t be done).
After a whole day of setting up, waiting for Dre to come over to help me move my bed and everything underneath, and set up the camera and lights, there were only 15 minutes before going live to do my make-up. I tried to glue on fake nails, but only two stuck, leaving me with a reverse femme-icure.
I was hot under the lights, in my chosen outfit, and the radiator was timed to come on at 7. My make-up was melting. Come 7; we couldn’t log in to the platform of 1.5 million followers; no one helped til about ten minutes in; we got in at 7.20. I was flustered and in charge of the keyboard/autocue, as Dre was in charge of sound, lighting and camera.
There was a minute where Dre turned the camera to his face with the bottom end of my mattress as a backdrop. It’s funny to me now; it wasn’t on the day. The live was then me reciting this beautiful album to friends but mostly a virtual room full of South American teenagers asking where the football was and saying, “WTF is this s+++?”
When it was over, I was fed up, tired and embarrassed; surely I hadn’t carried all my plants upstairs for this shambles. I was annoyed with myself for not having listened to myself more. When I spoke to David, Cristina and Eloi, we laughed; there was a bit of a WTF was that energy?!?? But Cristina said you need these experiences to help you figure it out. Of course, this information would be well digested by morning. When the opportunity came up for the MACBA, I was ready to record my part. I would have to find another solution to autocue. I knew where I had gone wrong and what made a difference to being in the peak state. Too many creatives let shame close doors for them; don’t treat all as information and use it to propel you! You got this!
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